Clearly I Have Not Been Teaching Him Enough About Limiting Impulse Purchases
CHILD: [Pointing to a recently borrowed library book with a picture of a girl riding a horse on the cover] Does that girl like riding that horse?
MOTHER: Yes, I think that girl does like riding horses.
CHILD: And is the horse nice, and friendly?
MOTHER: The horse does look nice and friendly, doesn't it? I don't think he would let that girl ride him if he weren't nice and friendly.
CHILD: And is the horse happy?
MOTHER: He looks happy to me. What do you think?
CHILD: I would like to buy a horse at the store. Let's buy one tomorrow.
MOTHER: [Laughing a little] You would like to buy a horse at the store tomorrow?
CHILD: [Slightly subdued by mother's laughter] Well, just a plain one.
MOTHER: [More serious now] Well, you see, there is nothing wrong with wanting a horse, plain or otherwise, but horses need a lot of things that we don't have right now. Horses need a big, big grassy yard to run around in. And they need a barn to sleep in--
CHILD: I know! We could get a barn at the store, too. We can check the grocery store.
MOTHER: I don't think they sell barns at the grocery store.
CHILD: They might have barns at Home Depot.
MOTHER: Even if we could buy a barn, where could we put one?
CHILD: I don't know.
MOTHER: There's not enough space in the back yard for a barn, is there?
CHILD: No.
MOTHER: We could try to visit a horse someday soon, if you'd like. We could visit a horse on a farm. Would you like to do that?
CHILD: Yes. What do horses eat?
MOTHER: Well, horses need to eat grass, and hay, and oats, and things like that. And when people want to give a horse a special treat, sometimes they will give the horse a carrot, or an apple.
CHILD: When I have a horse, I will give him carrots.
MOTHER: That would be nice of you. Maybe you can have a horse someday, but right now, we just don't have room for a barn.
CHILD: Well, we can wait to buy a horse.
MOTHER: Yes.
CHILD: We can wait until Wednesday.
**********************
Conversation Two:
Even Though I Am Failing at Teaching Him Basic Economics, He Is Apparently Somehow Learning Environmental Science Behind My Back
CHILD: Mommy, pretend you are a baby and I am your Mommy.
MOTHER: Okay. Waaaaaah! Mommy! I'm hungry! I'm bored! I want a toy! I want you to sit next to me!
CHILD: Actually, pretend you are five.
MOTHER: Okay. Wait, Mommy, if I am five years old, does that mean I can go to school?
CHILD: Yes! And you will have fun at school!
MOTHER: But will I have homework?
CHILD: Yes! You will have homework, and it will be fun, and I will help you.
MOTHER: So, Mommy, what is my homework today?
CHILD: Your homework is to fix everything.
MOTHER: My homework is to fix everything?
CHILD: Yes.
MOTHER: Everything? That is a lot of responsibility for a five-year-old.
CHILD: Don't worry. You can do it.
MOTHER: So I have to fix everything, everything? Like, everything? Like, for instance, global warming?
CHILD: Global warming?
MOTHER: Yes, global warming.
CHILD: You can fix global warming.
MOTHER: And how do I do that? Can you help me?
CHILD: [Patiently] First you fix all the things with leaves. Then, you fix the cars.
MOTHER: [Silence.]
MOTHER: [Silence.]
MOTHER: Well, gee, that is the way to fix global warming, isn't it?
CHILD: See? You can do it.
*************
I know I have been neglecting you, internets. I have no good excuses. So instead of making excuses, I will attempt to placate you by exploiting the cuteness of my child.
See, now? There? Don't you like me better, now?
